What I Don't Get to Share With You Now

I hate all of the things that I’m not going to get to share with you now.

All of the things that I thought we would have a lifetime to do together.

All of the things that that we were SUPPOSED to have a lifetime to do together.

How is this even possible?

Just 21 years old, I feel like we were barely getting started.

We had hardly made it over the hump into adulthood, and then just like that — you’re gone.

No getting to watch you graduate from college.

No getting to see me build my business.

No getting to see you get married.

No getting to be the Uncle to my future children.

No getting to be the Auntie to your children.

No getting to travel to amazing places together.

No more hugs.

No more laughs.

No more… just no more.

I really, really wanted to get to share those things with you.

Where is the fairness is having these things swiped out from under me?

I’m trying really hard not to hate the cycles of life and death right now.

I’m trying really hard not to believe,

But everything doesn’t always happen for a reason.

There isn’t always meaning behind events.

Sometimes, shit just fucking happens — like you being taken away from me in an instant, a flash, and suddenly I’m sitting here alone, looking around myself confused, wondering where the hell you went?

Sometimes, the Goddess just sucks one of us back into the earth crust, dusts off her hands, and carries on.

I’ve been letting myself just be angry about it lately.

Raging, fuming, livid, about so many things.

Angry that you aren’t here with me physically anymore.

Angry that I’m grieving all the things we won’t get to share in this lifetime.

Angry that you don’t get to have so many experiences you were supposed to have before you died.

Angry that I’m having to learn to relate to life in a whole new way, as a totally different person than I was before you were gone.

Angry that people are such insensitive douche bags sometimes, and say things before they really think about it.

Angry that most people would rather numb out and say something lacking any heart whatsoever to support me, than to take the time to really tap into how I’m feeling, through honestly empathizing.

Angry that society leaves NO ROOM for death, those who are dying, and those who are grieving — so we are left figure it out and go it alone, with hardly any solid support systems in place.

Posted on May 9, 2016 and filed under Lifestyle, Empowerment, Grief.