A Really Fucking Honest Open Letter to My Beloved Readers & Community

This letter to you has been a long time coming.

I actually haven’t had the words to tell you what I’m about to share until this week, but have felt like I had a big share for you brewing for quite some time now, while simultaneously feeling as though there were some big shifts coming for me in the way I operated my business.

I’ll say this right now — please only read this if you genuinely care to grow with me into these next chapters of together, as this is an intimate and vulnerable look into the emotional landscape of my journey as an artist and entrepreneur.

I have a lot I want to do and share with you that’s coming around the corner, and I’m invested in really building with you in bigger and bigger ways all the time, and this letter is the next step in that.

If you choose to read in full, I ask you to truly stick it out until the end — warning: this is a long letter. It’s extensive, it’s a deep dive, and it’s not for the faint of heart.

I’m going to delve into the trenches and the heaviness first, excavating the seed of truth before rising into the light of where all of this brings me presently, blooming into this next chapter of the reality of my life.

So, here it is.

In a lot of ways, I’ve been on somewhat of a hiatus for the last two years.

Sure, I’ve been operating and growing my business on a similar trajectory as I had been for a few years prior — writing constantly and producing new art on a daily basis, facilitating my bi-annual retreats, and continually growing, expanding, and up-leveling my virtual sisterhood, Wild Feminine Un.leashed.

With that regard, it’s been business as usual.

However, I’ve felt a sense of stagnancy lurking in the shadows as of late. Something I couldn’t quite put my finger on, it felt intangible — hiding just beyond the surface of my awareness and made it hard for me to feel into.

The last couple of years, I’ve felt like I’ve been growing immensely as an artist, as facilitator of women’s empowerment work, and as leader and voice for women rising.

And yet, the silent stagnancy still felt like it was somewhere in there.

Why have I felt this lack of contentment in my creating? Is it not enough what I’m already doing?

The thing is, these last couple of years have been a major period of personal learning and evaluation for me.

On a daily basis, I’ve been exploring where my morals and values live when it comes to how I create, share, and facilitate the art that I create and the work that I do.

I'm going to be totally honest with you — I don’t back a lot of what I see happening online in the realm of women’s empowerment work.

I could count on my fingers how many leaders I know of or am connected to personally, whom I would back entirely in their integrity of what they do and how they do it.

And I feel the same way with so called, “writers” online.

Everyone wants to be writer nowadays. I get the irony of me saying that as a writer who’s building a career in that field — and what I mean by “everyone wants to be a writer nowadays” is just that I’m seeing what I judge to be a lack of depth in a lot of what’s being written and created.

I perceive the pool of creators and facilitators in the fields I play in, to be becoming diluted with meme queens, white feminism and substance-less “sisterhood”.

So many people bringing their work to the virtual sphere are deeply seeded narcissists and there isn’t depth or meaning behind so much of what exists on the internet.

Like, we’re talking women getting famous for their (albeit absolutely incredible) butts and dudes that are YouTube sensations based on absolutely trashing houses and harassing neighbors.

I think that at least most of us can all agree on that point, yeah? There’s a lacking of depth in just about every corner and playing field of the internet.

I share this as back story, because sometimes it all makes me want to hide.

In the earlier years of starting my business, facilitating women’s empowerment work, and initiating my career as a writer, I was high on the adrenaline of just getting started — of my “big break” happening, of that initial spike in success.

When you’ve been “in it” for awhile, it can become easy to get a little jaded at times, frustrated and tired by the surface level play when you’re a deep diver like me.

I recognize that not everyone wants to be a full on, born and bred, until their dying breath truth-seeker. I do, though. And that’s who I want around me. It’s also what I want to inspire more of in others.

I can’t tell you how many countless conversations like this I’ve had with the women around me, about the lacking of depth and how easily people attack to a quick meme with a pretty face, rather than a deep poem that transcends space and time.

The women I spend my days with are also deep divers, and it can become quite tiresome to sort through the spiritual bypassing, new age bullshit, internet fuckery beyond belief, and indifference of opinions that saturate the virtual sphere.

There have been times where it’s made me want to throw in the towel, in in fear of getting lumped in with certain communities of people doing similar things to me in their own way yet with a lot less depth, the dozens upon dozens of people who have copy and pasted my business model to try and make a buck doing it the way I have, or the multitude of social media narcissism that seems to be rooting its way more and more deeply into the psyche of humanity.

I’m not blind to the fact that what I’m saying may come across has prideful and jaded. And I’m okay if anyone judges this to be coming from that place, because it’s not the position from which I’m writing this from.

I’m writing this from a place of wholly and completely knowing and accepting the person that I am, the level to which I seek to live and inspire truth, and that I’m not a prideful or jaded person.

I can sometimes be jaded, but can’t we all in one way or another?

This is also not me wanting to have a bashing session on those who I judge to be saturating the pool of creators and facilitators.

We each have our place here, and if we’re being honest — yeah, there are some I sometimes get fucking irritated with, but I’m not here to compete with anyone and I realize part of this game with the internet is that there’s space and opportunity for us all to do whatever the hell we please.

This is me sharing my perceptions and how I’ve allowed those perceptions that I completely own as my own, to keep me in hiding and playing smaller than I want to be.

You see, I’ve been so afraid of allowing myself to devolve into a social media narcissist, losing humility as my income rises, or forgetting the truth of who I am with an increase in attention or popularity that I’ve literally been sabotaging my own business and creativity.

I’ve studied narcissism to such insane extents because I’ve been so afraid of being that person, I’ve kept myself from living into my financial earning potential because I’m scared to be deemed greedy and “in it for the money”, and even with all of the shedding of layers I continue to do, I’ve recently found more gorgeous edges of who I am that I’ve been holding back so as to not seem too self-involved.

I mean, fuck — I’ve taken it to the point where until the last few weeks, I was barely marketing my absolutely insanely amazing virtual sisterhood that’s made up of 70 women who have almost all been there since it’s inception three years ago, because I’m so scared of coming across as “too sale-sy”.

The fear of being seen as all the things I don't support has been so great, that my gorgeous creations, offerings of service, and certain particularly shiny parts of my personality have been in hiding.

This, my beautiful friends, is what we call — full on self-sabotage.

Because I’m so afraid of devolving into any of the shadows that can exist within being an entrepreneur, I’ve limited my personal expression in my work and how I present myself that I fully express in my real life or in person, but hide some of my ability to take up space in my work because I don’t want to be perceived as “too much”.

Rather than focusing 100% on how I can serve and coming from that place in my heart which is so genuine and in its integrity all the time, I’ve focused on ensuring I don’t live into any of those shadows which has kept me from realizing my full creative potential.

Responsibility is something that’s very important to me, and I take having a platform on the internet very seriously.

I believe all of us that choose to inhabit a social media platform, regardless of the number of eyes that are on what we’re sharing, I stand firm in the belief that we need to come fully fucking correct in how we show up and not wield our platforms in manipulative ways.

Some of this time that I’ve been having has been getting deeply fucking solid in all of the ways I don’t want to show up online and the ways I don’t want to use my platform, in order to maintain my integrity as a leader in the fields I’m associated with.

With that, you can always trust that I will not be here trying to “pull one over on you”, maliciously trying to get money out of you, or filling your feeds and inboxes with narcissistic self-involvement.

I’m heart forward, fist open day in and day out.

While that personal reflection has been very fruitful and clarifying for me, rather than channel more of my skills and life experience into creating new incredible offerings for you, I’ve been kind of hibernating — hunkered down in my artists cave, writing like a mad woman and holing up with the women I work with intimately in Wild Feminine Un.leashed and at my retreats, and working on getting clear on how I want to take up my corner of the internet.

I don’t regret it though, that’s the thing.

I’ve had some seriously deep healing to do.

As many of you know who have been with me for awhile or maybe even more recently have hopped on board the real ass woman train, my little brother died in a tragic and sudden accident four years ago.

That absolutely rocked my world and completely changed me. It continues to blow me away, the degree to which I need to continue to come home to myself in my grief to nurture and nourish in order to stay afloat on a daily basis.

There is literal trauma stored in my body from that loss that I have to cope with every day, which adds an element of challenge to the process of being a creator out in the world — because I never quite know when I’m going to be hit with a curveball and debilitated with trauma for a couple hours, a day, a week — from the events surrounding losing him.

Not only that, but a couple years after my brother died, I ended my longest term relationship which I entered into at the ripe age of 20 years old and exited at age 25.

Needless to say, the last two years since then have required a lot of finding myself on my own, outside of relationship, in celebration of what in means to be a woman on her own out in the world, and really anchoring into who I truly am AS MYSELF.

Not myself as a kid living under my parents roof, not myself as a wild-child teenager, not myself in relationship for five years with someone much older than me — but just, me. Me on my own, as an adult, grown ass woman, living life entirely on her terms, not answering to anyone aside from the murmurings of her heart.

Another element to weave into this picture, is that I was also raped a year after this relationship ended — which is something I don’t speak about publicly and have only referenced on the side in poems, but that was yet another world rocker to integrate into the whole picture during this deep diving into myself.

So, that right there, loves — that’s an epic fucking journey, and that’s what I’ve been doing in this semi-hiatus I’ve been on.

I’ve been out living my life, fully — and coming into my wholeness as a woman, fully.

Writing and creating, facilitating and deepening — but just the amount that I felt was manageable for me, given the context of what I’ve been in the midst of these last couple of years, but really throwing myself out into the world to experience what’s there for me as my own woman.

In the last two years I’ve immersed myself in extensive trainings, I’ve traveled around the United States, hosted four transformational retreats with a fifth one coming up soon, made my way through five countries in Europe, traipsed around England, visiting some of the wonders of the world, had whirlwind romances, made epic love, deepened so fully into and secured some of the most important friendships of my lifetime that will be with me forever, given myself five stars for being the best single dog mom ever, and so much more in-between.

This time has been for me.

Yes, art to share has come from these things, but I needed these last two years to be mostly about me to come into wholeness with myself that was absolutely necessary in order to realize my full potential and realness as a woman.

I know that this semi-hiatus probably hasn’t even been noticeable for some.

I've been here, I’ve been reaching out, I’ve been communicating, I've been doing this.

But I haven’t been fully and completely here, and that’s because I’ve really needed this time to go within, to do some really deep healing work, to provide myself the spaciousness to rise up in that personal healing and growth, and to take solid time to figure out how I wanted to take up my little corner of the internet.

One thing you can always count on with me, is that I put a lot of intention into everything I do.

Yeah, I’m spontaneous as fuck, but I follow my intuition so closely that when I make the choice to do something — whether it’s communicate, create, connect, listen, move, celebrate, etc. there is a whole fucking lot of thought and energy that went into doing that.

I don’t half-ass anything — I’m full-ass into all I do. And yes, I have a pretty full ass :)

This time has been mostly a focus on me — me getting so fiercely solid in myself, so attuned to the truth of who I am, so wildly free in my sexuality, so completely expressive in my voice, so uninhibited in how I let my personality come through, and so unleashed from the chains of patriarchy that it brings me to where I am today.

What you see of me in what I share online is so fully the truth of who I am, and every single day I’m finding newer and more full layers of that truth that I continue to share — but what’s happened recently is that I’ve actively stepped into my innate worth in a way that I never have before.

It’s something that isn’t easy to put words to, but it comes from of a place of fully realizing the levels to which I’ve been sabotaging my expanding into even more greatness and service in my life for absolutely no reason whatsoever, aside from fear of how I will be perceived.

FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

No more. I refuse to continue sabotaging how I show up and serve in the world out of fear that there isn’t room for me amongst all the bullshit out there, that I don’t have enough to offer to keep up with the pace it’s all moving at, or that there won’t be room for the creations I have living inside of me that are wanting to enter the world.

The woman that’s speaking to you and writing to you right now is coming from the realest place she’s ever been.

The most whole place she’s ever been.

The most full place she’s ever been.

And I’m ready for more.

I’m fully inhabiting my corner of the internet and my corner of the world without shame and with a full, embodied YES to serving in all the ways that I dream of, free of self-sabotage and limiting beliefs keeping me from doing that.

I will no longer keep myself from realizing my full creative potential as an artist, facilitator, and women’s leader out of the fear of taking up too much space.

It's amazing how we can think we're taking up our space, expressing ourselves shamelessly, and showing up completely until we find that next layer to inhabit, right?

My staying small to accommodate the voice inside of my head that wants me to keep people pleasing is serving no one, especially myself but also you all — because I have so much more to share than I already even have been, and I already share a fucking lot.

The embodiment I’ve recently undergone drowns out that voice that’s asking me to play smaller or continue cocooning, because my stories are louder than those pesky voices and they want to be told.

I have stories and experiences to share with you, I have deeper connection I want to do with you, and I have even more living to do.

All of which I’ve shared, is my declaration and commitment to both you and to myself of how I intend to show up in the world.

My intention with sharing this with you is not for pity, not for attention, or to cause a stir — but instead to continue deepening in transparency with you, to show you the true colors of my heart, and to be witnessed in what is a reclamation of the innate worth that lives inside of me.

The same innate worth that lives inside of all of us.

On top of feeling myself rising out of this cocoon I’ve been in, I’ve been re-imagining all of the amazing offerings I want to create and birth into the world.

That’s the other thing that I want to share with you.

In this rising, there are creations that have been gestating in me and are at the point of begging and screaming to enter the world at this point.

I want to tell you about my babies to be.

They have names, and they’re already so excited to meet you.

First, here are the things that presently exist that I want you to know about:

REAL TALK TIME

RTT is a live streaming video session via Facebook, consisting of truth-telling sessions and transparent conversation on how to keep it real as an individual and in life, and I’d love to have you come hang every week to chat and get to know one another!

We’ve been gathering consistently for these hangs for the last five weeks, and I intend to keep them going for the foreseeable future!

Just head over to facebook.com/AlexandraSchueler at 3PM EST on Wednesday’s to get in on these awesome chats.

WILD FEMININE UN.LEASHED

If you’ve been in my sphere for awhile, you’ve probably heard a ton about it — but for those who might be newer on the scene here or just for a refresher:

Wild Feminine Un.leashed is a space for long-term community building, calling on women who are intent on working in the realm of their personal healing and growth with other inspired women who want to bring more of themselves out into the world, through the cultivation of lifestyle skills, use of ritual and ceremonial work, experience modern day initiation and know themselves completely.

Whether you're a woman who struggles to find likeminded female friendships in your day to day life, desire a sisterhood sanctuary to retreat to for nourishment, or you are a woman with lots of supportive sister-like friendships in your life and just want to immerse yourself in even more woman-positive communities, this is the place for you.

Wild Feminine Un.leashed is a community of real ass women, dedicated to unveiling their truest nature and coming home to the essence of who they are. It's a safe place for women to unleash themselves from patriarchal oppression with the support of sisterhood all around them.

It’s sacred feminine meets social justice warrior — virtual red tent style gathering meets the a coven of cackling witches — a marriage of feminism meets modern day woman.

Click here to learn everything you need to know about Wild Feminine Un.leashed & to claim your place in sisterhood!

And now, for the things that I’ve been working on for quite some time now, that will be making their way out into the world very soon:

THE REAL ASS WOMAN (RAW) PODCAST

I’m beyond fucking excited to be launching the Real Ass Woman podcast within the next month!

The RAW podcast will be a twice monthly offering of savage conversations rooted in realness and keeping it “raw” with people from my actual life. While I love some podcasts, I find most of them to come across as a popularity contest, a who’s on who’s show kind of thing, and I’m not interested in that.

I’m interested in having real talk with real people from my day to day life — unfiltered, uncensored, wild conversation to share with you.

This idea was born from the utterly magnificent, hilarious, disgusting, sometimes disturbing, honest, profound conversations that I have with my friends and colleagues.

In these twice monthly podcasts that I’ll release, you’ll be hearing from some of my absolute best friends — both female and male, some of the people I most respect in the world, people who have known me longer than anyone, and people who know me more intimately than anyone else in my world.

THE REAL ASS WOMAN (RAW) SPOKEN WORD VIDEO SERIES

The RAW Spoken Word Video Series will be a twice monthly offering as well, where I’ll share a new piece of spoken word poetry via YouTube and not just the poem, but the story behind the piece of writing.

The thing with my poetry, is that each and every piece is born from a real life experience of mine and I want to share more deeply about my life stories by taking you further into the backbone of my writing this way.

THE REAL ASS WOMAN (RAW) TRAINING

Also within the next month, I’ll be opening up registration for the first iteration of the Real Ass Woman Training!

It’s been years since I’ve offered an online course, and I’ve danced around bringing this into the world for several months now — but she’s finding her form and I couldn’t be more thrilled to offer another intimate opportunity for women to learn and connect in sisterhood, in truth, and in realness.

The Real Ass Woman Training will be an eight week online journey for women wanting to get in touch with themselves in a more raw & real way than ever before.

Consisting of 8 weekly live video classes, three guest mentor calls on a variety of topics, 2 new moon and two full moon live rituals, weekly book recommendations and ritual suggestions, as well as a gorgeous virtual community of women to delve into — RAW will be a deep dive into knowing more of the truth of who you are, while living a life that is rich with transparency, honesty, and realness.

It's a virtual-based experience in truth-seeking, getting real with yourself and your life, a sisterhood immersion, and a home-coming to self.

THE REAL ASS WOMAN POETRY COLLECTION

Lastly, my book babies are really and truly taking form.

The Real Ass Woman Poetry Collection will consist of three separate collections of my poetry which each focus on their own collection of themed poetry, entitled:

I WILL NEVER BE ACCOMMODATING FOR YOU

I WILL NEVER BE “EASY” TO LOVE

… and the final book of the triplets is yet to be named.

These are a ways away from publishing at the moment, as I’m currently curating the collections, editing, organizing, and exploring publishing options and opportunities.

You can anticipate receiving all of this content right in your inbox on a weekly basis, each week containing a new episode of the RAW podcast or installation from the RAW spoken word video series once I get those going, information about the upcoming RAW training or my forthcoming collections of poetry, and random bits of new writing here and there along the way.

I’ll hit you up with the new new on Thursday’s (and if we’re being honest, sometimes it might wind up being Friday’s), with an occasion extra mailing if I’m opening up sales or registration on a new offering or botanical perfume.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you a fucking billion times for reading this.

I cannot even begin to express the depth of my gratitude for you witnessing me in this personal reclamation, as well as receiving the transparent truth of my heart.

As I stated in the beginning of this, if there’s anything you can count on from me, it’s the truth delivered with so much love and honesty. I promise to never sway in that way.

Otherwise, I’m so excited to be connecting with you here in a really clear way through some new offerings that are lighting my soul on fire to curate as we speak and which I cannot wait to share with you soon.

You can count on more writing as always, and so much more fun ways to connect and share through other creative multimedia outlets.

I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that I appreciate you and have a loads of love in my heart for you.

The saboteur within in me would like to wonder why so many of you care to hang out with me here, but I choose to speak over that voice when I say that I know how much I have to share with you and with the world.

With every drop of love I have in my heart & with lots to come,

xox Ali

Posted on August 24, 2017 and filed under Inspiration, Empowerment.