Pain, Fuck You

Why does there have to be so much pain?

I feel it right in my heart, as it cracks wide open…

The breaking is so palpable.

You not being here, it fucking hurts.

My friends dog passing over, breaks my heart.

My grandmother slowly degenerating, breaks my heart.

I know death is a part of life, and I celebrate that.

But why, why does it have to hurt so fucking much?

I know it shows the depth of love that exists between me and the ones I care so much for in my life.

I know it demonstrates my capacity to love and care for others.

But, fuck… that love and care runs so deep.

And sometimes, causes me to ask, “Why do I have to care so much?”

Sometimes, I just want to not care and feel quite so much.

Because when I’m in that feeling, that feeling the pain of the loss completely, it literally breaks me into two.

I don’t care if that makes me sound like I’m dark and brooding.

People need to learn to stop fucking judging and projecting how they think they’d handle or deal with loss.

People need to learn more about grief and how to support those grieving.

Oh, you think you’d take it in stride?

You think you wouldn’t want to die sometimes too?

You think you haven’t lost someone close to you?

That’s what we call “death denial”, my friend.

Clearly, you haven’t allowed yourself to actually feel into the intensity of losing someone and how deeply, profoundly, gut-wrenchingly painful it is.

That’s your choice, to deny your capacity to feel it all — don’t project that onto me.

I choose to feel it all, and no matter how uncomfortable it makes you to hear me talking about my grief and the pain it brings, I won’t ever stop talking about it or sharing it.

Because there is big medicine in my ability to feel it all, and if you had the willingness to look inside and see why it makes you feel uncomfortable to hear me talking about my grief and pain, you would see it’s because of your own pain that lives inside of you.

Me feeling my grief 150% does not make me dark.

It does not make me negative.

It does not make me depressed.

It does not make me an unstable human being.

It does not make me any less spiritual.

It does not make me any less connected to my brother.

It means I’m allowing myself to fully experience and express how this loss is moving through me completely.

And to be truthfully fucking honest, sometimes it’s in the greatest moments of pain that I feel absolutely connected to my brother.

That might freak you out to hear, but it’s the truth.

And if you can open your heart enough to the deep pain inherent in lost, you would see that it isn’t dark, wrong, or bad to feel connected to your loved one in the hurt, as well as the joy.

Stop denying death.

Stop denying pain.

Stop denying grief.

It’s there for a reason — it just wants to be felt and seen.

Posted on May 10, 2016 and filed under Grief, Empowerment.